Considerations

Recent changes have sent me back to the proverbial "thinking bench".
Here's the secret. . . I really would like to become a Christian school counselor/children's mentor. . . there it is - out in the open - the thing that I want to get my fingers into. Right now, I am doing a lot of considering, for one, how do I get there? This is so engrained in me, to help other people. Working around counselors has only made me want to be one more.
Back to the changing times - there is a space of time right now, as I am not with child, nor bound tightly to a full-time job. I am still seeking part time employment (I may have a lead now). Going back to school to study this specifically would help keep my brain sharp. Getting there just seems kinda fuzzy. I am struggling with the thought of having this take over my life too - my life belongs to Haven now, and even though he has given me such blessing and freedom to look into this, I would never want anything I did to interfere with serving him and doing what I am first called to do - be a wife and mother his children.
But getting into counseling as a part time endeavor would be incredibly fulfilling right now. . . Later, when kids are grown more, I could pursue it again too. Anyway, this is thinking out loud now. We'll see what happens.

High and Thankful

If only everyone close and dear to me could live in San Antonio . . . just for this night, just to see the sunset.
I first noticed it from the kitchen, a welcome break from making loaves and loaves of banana bread. I saw a stretch of rose pink on the building across from us, the reflection of the greater picture. Haven grabbed me and we went outside to see it for real.
Its all orange and pink, glowing bright like embers in a flame, spread across the expanse of Texas sky. My words fall short, but my admiration runs high.
Nights like these aren't few. . . but each sunset is so unique, and so different from the last. Earthly beauty is so hard to describe. It leaves us speechless sometimes, while other times, the words come quick and we are able to put it so eloquently, but it still runs short of being adequate.
It makes me wonder -if this is just earthly beauty, how much greater and more glorious is the Divine Beauty? We will behold the King in glory someday, and we will be speechless, for He is Beauty Himself, He is Glory Himself.

Low

The clouds are hanging low and sullen. Puffy and full of rain. They say that it will come tomorrow for sure - Here's hoping that it will break tonight.
My spirits are kind of low right now. Its the grief that you feel when you have turned away from the only lasting source of Joy, Light and Life. Its the realization that you must go back, and the pain you feel from knowing you have fallen away. Its your stinging pride that makes it so hard to admit. Admitting the defeat is confessing that you are beat. Its confessing that you are the sick one,that you need the medicine to cure you, and you have to tell the doctor what hurts. And it is so hard. But it wasn't meant to be easy. The clouds look like your eyes, puffy and sullen with the remorse of your wayward life.
Confession leads to renewal. Let the rain come down.

Missing (rough version)

Searching, seeking, always looking
For a part of me that is always missing
For a warmth, now faded by time,
For the hope, struck by fear
For the smile, washed away in sorrow's tears

The yearning that flickers in undying flame,
The missing part of me I cannot name.

'8 After Midnight. . .

I am up again, 8 after midnight, waiting for the sleep to kick in. Once that happens, I can take out my contacts and wash my tired face, moisturize my skin and crawl back into bed where my beautiful sleeping man is. Sorry for being a bit detailistic. Actually, scratch that, I am happy to be very in love with him, after all, he is my husband, and, we are newlyweds . . .
Anyway. I am wrapped in a fleece blanket that I bought in Moscow a couple of years ago. I remember taking this thing with me outside when I studied in the cold to stay awake - Coffee in one hand, a big book in the other - Those were the days. Granted, I wouldn't exchange these days for anything, but when I am up this late, I can only hearken back to the times when I would be studying and trying to stay awake so that I could finish a reading assignment due the next morning. Or, those times when I would be frantically trying to jot down every word (or was it my earphones?)ringing in my brain for my thesis - usually at the most cruel times of night when I only had the light of my computer screen to guide me. Oh yes, and the morning after that was really grand, looking at what craziness I had written. The muse has been known to fly away me often in the night, leaving me helpless in the quest for words, for brilliance, for masterpiece.
Its still there though, this fighting desire to write and to be heard, even if the words don't really mean much, or anything at all. The inside is screaming to be heard, will someone listen?
(Does it seem strange to speak of your soul/heart/spirit that way, as if it was another part of you? I don't think so. I command my heart to obey me, and yet it still begs another way at times. I strive against my own stubborn spirit and yet it still kicks the walls for freedom.
And to try to explain this tangent, it seems it took a detour and ended up in an exhausted fit of passion. And now, I am going to go find some sleep.

Poetry

I wrote this just after we got married . . .


"Open"

Heart in hand, and hand is open
Open to another’s taking
Open to be delighted in, cherished and loved
Open but scared of breaking

Broken heart in quivering hand, quivering hand is still open
Fingers bent around the heart, scared of another’s taking

Healing heart, settling hand, trust is slow in coming
Mend my heart, hold my hand
My hand is open for your taking

Ahhh

We lit the fire in the fireplace for the first time tonight. Finally, a day that was chilly enough to christen the hearth! I made soup and toast and its quite cozy in here.
We went to see Hoodwinked tonight. Really cute movie. Cuter were the kids who were in the theater giggling at every part.
Sabbath has been very good today. I am left with the feeling of "the fullness of joy" which Paul talks about. Worship and Fellowship and rest :)
Amen

Night Life

I am up on account of drinking diet coke before bed - stupid girl,you are not in college anymore!
There's a train whistling from Thousand Oaks, and a plane just came over like a big whale or something (excuse my crazy descriptions, I am bloggiong off the buzz here). Anyway. Night life is all in all - quiet right now.
I have been thinking a lot about my dad and someone else I am worried about. Life is not in my control, and sometimes, that is really frustrating. Especially when you know someone has so much to give the world, but is wasting it on the pursuit of vanity. All that's in you seems to be a mixture of sadness and something bittersweet of how you knew that person once was. You feel sort of helpless when you think of how far away in spirit this person is. You just want that person to come back and be safe from the world that has its claws out at you, ready to snatch its next victim. You just want that person to know that you care, that you want that person to live a godly life, & not a lonely life that ends up in a heap somewhere. You just want that person back.
I don't know why I am feeling so strongly about all this; perhaps its because I have watched the life of someone I love dearly slowly and painfully fall apart, and maybe, just maybe, if I get myself across, I feel like I can share this to help others avoid the snare.

Anyway, that was a lot for 1 am, and I need to catch some ZZZzzzz 's. I love my family, and my dear friends.

The Healing

Well, the fella woke 'cause the fever broke, and so off to work he went. I looked 'round the room, with a sense of gloom, strewn klennex and a blanket tent.
Well, thank you all for your prayers. He is feeling better after a long night. I hope he can make it through the day.

The Sickness

Haven is underneath a mound of covers in the bedroom - poor guy is sick. He is burning up to the touch, but says that he's freezing. I went to H.E. Butts to get a thermometer for our growing collection of pills, syrups, and cough drops.
I called mother in the pharmacy aisle for support. I am so new at this - I feel like such an awkward nurse, trying to be florence nightengale. Okay, Hydrogen peroxide and lysol to disinfect. Orange juice, aleve, cream of chicken soup, bean and bacon soup, and H2O. Movies, Simpsons episodes, extra blankets and lotsoflove ~

An Afternoon of Juicy Tidbits : scanty clothing and red meat

I went to Walmart today and was actually shocked to find that they had some modest things in the women's section. Wow, things that actually cover your body! (What a concept). Tops that actually weren't stretchy and clingy. Pants that actually flatter your shape and yet are modest. Wow . . . BIG WOW.
I wonder if clothes manufacturers actually realize that there is a growing population of women who want to cover their bodies? It seems that the lives of the rich and the famous have dictated our wardrobes -


Anyway. Do you ever really crave fast food? I usually only do on curse week -today I just had to have a burger. Red meat, something with lots of protein and iron and taste. MMmmm. . . it tasted so good. . .

Morning

Its cold in here. I think that I am going to break down and turn up the heat. But not just yet. I am determined to do this without being wimpy. I have a heck of a hoody and flannel pj bottoms. My feet are slipper-less. I think that they are somewhere in the other room. Oh, I don't want to get them, they'd be too cold anyway. Carpet's good enough, and when that's not working, I will just tuck my flexible feet underneath me, indian-style. Oh yes, and I have the glowing light of my monitor to keep me warm.
I can hear an audience outside the sliding glass door, "WIMP, WIMP, WIMP!". I know, I know. This is not that cold. But when you have been living in humidity fro 6 months practically, anything below 75 is cold. Man,living in Moscow made me so tough. I will have great stories to tell my children someday, along the lines of, "your mother walked through ice & snow to get an honest education". 'Course, they might be like, "mom, what's ice and snow?" like its some kind of phenomenon. Oh brother indeed.

Funny story to tell you. I took down the tree last week, and set it on the patio for the lumberjack to take to the dumpster. Well, when he got home, he waited until it was dark and then told me to keep watch on the sidewalks for people. (He thinks that throwing out trees in the dumpster is not allowed). So, anyway, "Bunyan" throws the tree like a limp fish over the rail, and hoists it on his shoulder and books it to the back dumpster,then booked it back to our place like nobody's business - it was pretty funny - like we were toting a body somewhere or something. Yes, we are TREE KILLERS!!!! MU HA HA HA HA!

Good 'Ol Days

See this picture? This is a picture of my home town, Scotts Valley, California in 1946. Yes, before the developments, before the schools,there was a serene place. . .

(Covello took this picture; to see more like it, go to: http://www.covellocovello.com/gallery/historical)

Not Enough Rain, Not enough Morality

Well, it did rain yesterday, hard; enough to pelt the ground and make a difference, but not enough to make up for the drought. It was so cold this morning. I finally broke down and turned on the heater after my other heat source left for work.

I read the winners from last night in the paper and I was repulsed that Brokeback Mountain won so many. Ah yes, the "original" storyline and passion, passion passion always does the trick. Let's give it to the movie that delights in homosexuality. Ughh.
Here are just a few movies that were more worthy I think: Memoirs of a Geisha, Cinderella Man, and The Great Raid.
The world is going down the tubes. Morality in Hollywoood no longer exists it seems.

Funny E-Card

This is quite funny I think.

Moisture

There is more hope this morning, clouds, filled with moisture. I felt water droplets on my nose and eyelashes when I was taking my walk. I opened my mouth and tasted the moisture. More, more, more, my thirsty throat pled. My feet trampled dark water spots on the pavement. More, more, more, the pavement pled.
The dry earth cries for torrents of rain. Eyes search the heavens to turn inside out and dump the precious flow.
RAIN!

Mush

I am listening to David Gray right now. Haven gave me D. G.'s "White Ladder" last Christmas. You might call this "our cd". We listened to this when we were driving to Lewiston (he swears we were driving to Spokane). Anyway, so there was Haven, me and Hoos in the backseat & a lot of silence. That was when we were courting, when my insides were blowing up because I was trying to hold back an aurora borealis.
So, that christmas he gave me this cd - I'd often quote him lyrics from it to explain how I felt without being too obvious. Like that time when he and I were in our "eye lock" and then he asked me, "what are you thinking?" I said, "please forgive me if I act a little strange, for I know not what I do."
("feels like lightening running through my veins everytime I look at you". . . "wanna tell you just how good it feels when you look at me that way")
Anyway. What I told him then was true. I didn't really know what I was thinking then, or how I was acting really. It seems that that is the way it goes when you are a girl falling in love. You are responding to a man's intitating - he was looking and I was looking back at him, he smiled, and I smiled, etc.
This is mushy, but hey world, I love my husband. . .

Drought

San Antonio is going through a dry spell right now. No rain for quite some time. Today, there were some lower clouds that were darker and promising, though, I cannot help but fade to doubt that they will move away.
I always feel like there must be some sort of spiritual drought when the land is dry like this. Is there a deeper reason for no rain, more specifically, is God withholding it from this city because of its sin? Why not think this way? He withheld things from Israel all the time, to turn her back to Himself.
Water, a life source, is taken for granted too often. Christ, Our life source, is also sadly taken for granted all the time. He withholds Himself from us to teach us that we need Him. We are a withered vine without the water, without Him. We can apply this to our own souls when we are dwelling in unconfessed sin. Joy is withheld from us, life is withheld from us, and our souls become parched and cracked. The mercy, love and forgiveness of Christ is like rain upon our dry souls, and once again, our cups are overflowing. We are a people always in need of water, we thirst and drink, only to become thirsty again. A simple truth points us to our dependence on Him for all things.

Applesauce Cake Recipe

This is what I made this morning ~ MMMmmm GOOD!

(Yields 12 servings)

Ingredients:
1 cup chopped apples (I used Gala variety)
1 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup butter
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup applesauce

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350*. Grease a 9 inch square pan. In a medium bowl, combine apples and flour. Add cinnamon, cloves and salt. Set aside.
In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until fluffy. Dissolve baking soda in applesauce and mix into creamed butter. Add flour mixture and mix until smooth.
Pour batter in pan and bake for 40 to 50 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.

Serve hot with whipped cream :)

Up Early . . .

Ughh, I just can't sleep. I am so jealous of the "brick" beside me - he sleeps so hard and so well! oh well, good time to post I guess.
i am trying to figure out what to bake for this morning. Sundays, I like to make something yummy to celebrate the sabbath. I can't decide whether to make apple coffee cake or some kind of cinnamon apple muffins . . . I will probably wander over to allrecipes.com to find something.
Okay, I am going to try to find some sleep again. Ta Ta

Happy Saturday

Happy Saturday.
I just went in to the clinic to get my bloodwork done - that wasn't very fun, especially the fact that the nurse made me go pee in a cup for a urnine sample too - how humiliating.
Oh well.
Today its grocery shopping and a visit to Costco- hurray!

Rambling

I feel like opportunity is crouching at my door now. Today I feel freer, and more optimistic about life in general. Not that I have been downhearted lately, but it seems like God is doing something, changing the tapestry of my life a little bit, and now I am sitting back and looking at the picture more in depth.
Sorry if this sounds somewhat vague. I feel like that sprite (or fairy?) in the picture I posted, entitled "Longing". She's looking out into the lushness, and I crave to know what she sees. Or perhaps she's just thinking, but I would call it longing. Oh, you know, that feeling of being on the brink of something you just can't name, or knowing that something is going to change, or feeling empty and yet so incredibly full up at the same time (is that even possible?).
All things have been orchestrated by a God who has planned out everything from the beginning of time. Every bump, every ripple, every occurrence.
I am at a peace today. Its been such a surreal day for me. Things are changing in my life that I have no control over. And that is a good thing. I am at a peace today, yes I really am. I ask my heart," Are you restless? Are you sad?"
There are ripples in the pond today, but I am at a peace. A peace that is not my own. I feel like the Lord's got His hand on my shoulder, and I don't really know where I am going yet, but He is leading me somewhere with a purpose.

"Longing"

"the cost was high and the victory hollow"

So, issues of the past have been currently distracting me. You could credit it to the fact that I have had a lot of time to think this week, being by myself quite a bit.
The title of this post has caught my fancy in a very grave sense. When I apply it to my recent pondering of my past, reviewing mistakes, hardships, sins, or what have you, the merit is none.
The past has a lot of pain in it. A lot of things that I wish I didn't do, wish that I didn't say/wish I said.
The cost was too high for so many of the things that I have striven for. The cost of losing the reality of who God made me to be. When I got there, the victory was indeed "hollow" and empty. Emptiness is a plague which often unsettles me even now. The feeling that I as well as everyone struggles with, "Am I enough". Or, applying this specifically to being a woman, and along the lines of John Eldredge, "Am I lovely"?
No matter how many times you try to be better, it always fades to a certain emptiness. It is because the word of man doesn't fill & the promises of man don't keep. A woman may think that all she needs is the security of having a man tell her he loves her everyday. Trust me, its great but its still not enough to fill that emptiness inside. Its a deep down, well of emptiness that only can be reached and slain by the Divine. That emptiness which taunts you so often, is the devil. He says you are not enough, well, that is true because you aren't. You are only enough and more in Christ. You are completed in Christ. The haunting emptiness drives you back to the God who fills all in all, the God who gave Himself up in the highest cost possible, but the victory was fulfilling, and complete.
I feel like I have been left a this point everyday now, and sometimes I wonder if I will ever not struggle with it. But each day the truth is deeper, truer and more beautiful to me. Sometimes I feel like God whispers to me,

"You are My daughter, my lovely one who I chose, who I saved, who I sent My Son for, who I have forgiven, who I have wooed and loved from the beginning of time. You are Mine, and I will never leave nor forsake you."

Thank you Lord.

Sore throat

I have a sore throat - its my own darn fault for ceaseless chatter I guess.
Its really raw and scratchy, gross. . .

I wish that I could somehow coat it thick with honey - mmnnn, that would be lovely and quite soothing. Then again, I might end up chocking on the stickiness.

Why do colds always end so undignified? You feel like you are ninety, hacking up your lung, and your nose is like a drain pipe. You might as well just mummify your body with kleenex to avoid dripping.
Ugghhh. . .
I should go to bed, I have to work in the morning.
Ta Ta

Light of the Valley

Listening to the dishwasher and pretending its the ocean

I am sitting in the dark trying to see which letters on the keyboard I am typing. You would think that I would turn on the light (?) That might ruin the mood though.

The sound of my dishwasher is methodical - loudly whirring in the kitchen. I like the sound of machinery that you know is working hard on your behalf. Like your washing machine when it wrings out your clothes. . . BANG, BANG, BANG, BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG WHHOOSHHHH!!!!

Okay, perhaps I am sounding a little like a desperate housewife? Forgive me.

My very first post

Here I am world. . .

So I have taken baby steps into the world of blogging. . .