Emptiness. It eats at me today. Yesterday. The day before that.
I am a good liar. My face and words deceive but my heart knows better. The fight for joy seems a losing battle. Everything seems so on hold right now.
I am tired Lord, are You through with me yet? Patience isn't working. Praying is so hard. I am losing sight of what You have promised. I am overwhelmed and anxious.
I sat in traffic with my fists clenched, feeling hatred seep through my hands. It gave me the chills. My heart is so stone cold. How did I become so calloused? "I've mastered feeling nothing".
I look around with digust at where You have put me. Lord, why have You brought me here? I feel so alone here, so unfulfilled, so tempted, so weak. Sin has been my playmate. My heart goes to You unwillingly, heavily. I have scorned Your name. I have dwelled in the shadows. I have not been joyful.
Regardless, You have still blessed me. You have still kept me safe. You have kept me from stumbling headlong into sin and destruction. You have been faithful to me. You have loved me, and I have been unloveable.
I am desperate for You. I cry out to You. Forgive me. Cleanse my heart. Teach me to be patient. Bind Yourself to me. Let me bind my heart to You, that I may never depart again. Be my Joy, my Peace, my Comfort and my Hope.
"and hope does not disappoint"
2 comments:
It sounds as though you are in the depths. Like you can't look out, just in.
You will receive strength to just take the next step, light for just the next few feet of the path.
Love,M2
Now just how in the world did you sneak into my thoughts, Mrs. Hofman?? Are you reading my journal? Oh wait...I've been too exhausted to actually WRITE in my journal. You chose excellent words to describe just how I feel this very night...
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