Sabotaged

Sometimes, you just CAN'T win . . .

I worked out this morning - an hour and 15 min. of good, slow burn; aerobics, pilates, and plenty of sweat.

Man, I felt strong - with a good heart-healthy breakfast, 2 tall glasses of water and 2 vitamins, I was off to work (felt like I was off to the races).

And then, today of all days, my dear co-worker decided to bring in a pan of fresh-baked, soft and cakey brownies . . .

Sigh . . .

Marred and Dented

So, here's a little update on my traffic citation -

My fine was $192 smackeroos (EEEKK), so H and I both did some research on the thing, and found out that contesting the thing would hardly be worth it, as I would still end up paying miscellaneous fees. What a headache.

So, gritting my teeth and swallowing my pride - I gathered myself and paid the &*%# thing - even though I think it was completely UNCALLED for - and, right now, I am hating on small-town cops.

God is trying to teach me humility - which I am fine with - but can it not involve my wallet next time - please???

Crank

(this is from last friday night - tid bit late in posting)

Last night began with a cheery start, as weazled my way through heavy traffic, home to my dear Hubby. We were raring to watch our Spurs take on the Mavs and so I fixed some super yummy burritos, beans and rice and we settled in for the exhilarating game that kept us on the edge the entire way through. Halftime came around, Spurs were up by one in this extremely close game and we both agreed that a trip to HEB for icecream was in order. What's a game without icecream? ;)

I was in the car in seconds. H stayed behind to play with the dog and clean the kitchen. A short drive down the road and as i was turning into the HEB parking lot a cop flashed his lights on me and pulled me over - for what??? I was NOT speeding. I had my lights on. I put my blinker on to get into the turn lane. What in the world???

A very large cop approached my car and I immediately asked, "um, hi, why did you pull me over?" "Well, you passed a car on the left in a turn lane."
Rewind here. Okay. There was a slow moving truck before me, but I stuck it out until about ten feet before the turn lane began for HEB. I did pass him, but I was just cruising up to the light in the turn lane, and not trying to get in front of him. I was going the speed limit, again, I must make that clear and known (to those of you who doubt my driving).
He asked for my insurance. Boy, did I tear that car apart trying to find our newest insurance card. I explained that this was a new car and I needed a little bit to open up the manual book and the glove compartment. He was fine to wait. I called my hubby in frustrated tears, asking where the insurance card was. I finally found it - right where it should be - in the glove compartment.

The cop was still not budging. . . so I got a traffic citation for this stupid 'offense' which I am baffled by. I am still wondering if I should contest it. It seemed like a completely ridiculous thing for me to get a citation for.


I was in a pretty irate mood in the store as I grabbed our ice cream essentials. I drove VERY carefully home and couldn't bring myself to watch our team struggle against the Mavs in the state I was in. I had to clean the kitchen first, and settle down. H informed me that we were winning, and so we got our icecream and finished off the cranky night with a Spurs win. WOHOO.

Life goes on. I admit, my attitude was not stellar, but I still feel like this was not fair. :( Kay, done with my pity party.

Crybaby

There have been many tears this past weekend.

The loss of a sweet loved one (my stepfather's mother& my adopted Grandmother) has been the biggest grief-giver. And yet, we are grateful to know that she lives eternally with our Saviour. I am so thankful that God provided a flight right away for my parents to be there before her passing.
Haven and I took their two little boston terriers for a while, and while they were here, there was much romping around with our Hector.

We had a quiet weekend, well, minus our night at the Alamodome for Monster Jam ;)

(Yes, we like Monster Truck rallies - they're a blast ;)

We rented another set of 24 (we are working our way through season six.

We had snacky dinners, happy puppies and lots of vegging out.

We just needed it.

Haven dropped by my work tonight, at the end of the day to say goodbye for the week.
I can't remember the last time I cried so much. I contained it until after I left work, and like a ticking time bomb, I sort of exploded in the car driving home. Its not like he's going away for a month - he'll be back on Friday. Its not like we haven't spent any time together at all this past month either.

Its just that I love him.

The God who is Love gives us love that gets richer, deeper, better, and sweeter with time. The hard things we've gone through with this crazy job of his has made the reward of being together all the greater. I am just one big ball of drippy black mascara and snot and streaky tears.

One big happy crybaby.

Putt . . . Putt

Putt. . .

I am puttering 'round the house today. A headach-ey lethargy sent me home early, and I am actually quite content to be home-bodied right now. All the little projects I have been wanting to finish (and the new ones to start) are now at my fingertips.

Oh yes, so is the urge to take a nice long nap like my little pupster here. . .

Sigh.

As you can see, I've been puttering around the ol' bloggeroo too - I have discovered some really neat sites for photo cropping :)

~

Remember this post?

Well, today's picture for my desk calendar is a beautiful Aurora Borealis and my hubby's love note to me:

"I can't think of anyone I'd rather be married to"

Now, its sweet and simple, but the timing of this couldn't have been more perfect. I have been feeling really discouraged lately about feeling like I am inadequate in some areas and yet, the way the Lord encourages me through my loving husband brings tears of thankfulness to my eyes. It makes me go, 'Really?' It makes me feel so lucky, so blessed, so encouraged, and so loved.

I am not perfect. Nor will I ever be. But I am saved by the grace of a gracious and kind God who delights in giving His children excellent gifts.

So Much More

For those who know me, I am not a 'happy go lucky', 'always sunshine' kind of girl. Rainbows come AFTER the rain, and great views come on the TOPS of high mountains.

I feel like I have been facing many giants this past month, well, months. The 'demon of inadequacy' perfectly describes it (to borrow the words from my sister). I have posted before about feeling inadequate. Its a depressing feeling. You never feel like you are enough, you never feel like you are doing enough, and you never feel like you will ever be enough. . .

Have you ever felt that way?

It trashes every area of your life if you let it get to you. Most of the time, it stays on the surface, like a beach ball in the pool, but every once and a while it becomes lead and sinks your heart. What happens to the joy that you should have? Well honey, it goes down with you like a Roman ruin.

How does this happen? It begins with wandering. Jesus gave us the straight and narrow, but sometimes, the wide and windy looks more exciting to us. So we veer. We listen to the evil one, whispering deadly nothings into our ears - wouldn't this or that be better? We listen. We stumble. We ate the apple. We are foolish.
We doubt what God has given to us, and more importantly who He has made us. How can I forget that I am a daughter of God? It doesn't just happen by coincidence. I must confess that I chose to deny my identity in Him when I began that veering in my heart.

And in the end, the evil one laughs at me. By believing him, I only feel the burn of inadequacy, and the sting of doubt and misery. I have wandered too far to a foreign place, unknown.

Take me home again. I just want to go home again.

The Father is truly merciful. How stupid we are, how foolish! Why do you wander child? Why do you wander away from the One who loves you, who holds your identity, who claims you as His own? Why?

All those failures you feel, those feelings of inadequacy, they are wiped clean. I call you Mine, and you are adequate. You are chosen by God, you are made in His image and none other.

Don't let this world get you down. Don't give in to the evil one's words. Everything you need is in Him, our God. When you feel like a failure and you just don't feel enough, remember who you are in Him. Glorify God and enjoy Him forever. Glorify Him through loving your family, Enjoy Him through working in your job, and driving to work in sometimes gridlock traffic. Glorify Him even when you don't understand why He's brought you to a barren place and wants you to stay there for a while. Remember how faithful He always is. Enjoy Him through the changes, the hard times, the trials. He is your Purpose when you feel purposeless. He is your comfort when you are down.

And all those failures? Gone. Throw them out. And when they keep taunting you, keep throwing them out until you've licked them good. Show the world who you really are. Put on your armor and keep it on -
He has made you more than a conqueror in Him.
So much more.

Humility, at 4am Lord?

This morning was just another reason why I need to seek a new heart from the Lord every MOMENT. . .
It began as it usually does - an alarm sounding at a painful 3 am; me, groggily waking up and trying not to wake my hubby. I pull on my gym pants and a big tee and gather a water bottle and a towel. Oh yeah, and keys. Oh, and my purse.

I then drive about 1/2 mile down the road to my little gym.

Now, there are seldom few who come to the gym at this time. I enjoy the peace and solitude, and the sole possession of the elliptical trainer that everybody likes. Its a funny thing, because there are 5 other elliptical trainers, but just not like This One. So, its sometimes a flip when I walk in to find that its in use.

I am a sharing person. At least I thought so.

Last Friday, there was a woman using it when I came in. She's a regular, and I also discovered that she works at our local HEB store in the deli department. We seem to get this everyother day. I get it first, so she treadmills, or she gets it first, so I treadmill. Its just not exactly what either of us want. We both want that stupid machine.

So, last Friday, I was grumbly. I was ultra grumbly because by the time I got to the gym, saw that she was on the machine through the window, and opened my car door, I realized that I had forgotten my swipe key at home. When I got back to the gym, she was still on it. I really had a bad attitude. I got on the treadmill facing the other direction and stomped out the frustration I was batting around. It was the crummiest workout ever because of my stinky attitude.

So this morning, I got there first. I got on the machine and waited for her to arrive. 15 minutes passed and then I saw her pull up. I suddenly felt uncomfortable and sheepish. I was acting like such a child hoarding this stupid machine. She got on the treadmill and I kept ellipticalling. I stopped at 30 minutes, 15 minutes short of what I usually do, and I got on another treadmill. I felt comfortable again. She didn't get on the elliptical trainer this morning, but I know she probably wanted to.

Its kind of a silly thing I guess, but its a my life for yours thing. I feel convicted when I think of how I have been acting, and what kind of witness I being. It reminds me that the Lord never shuts His eye on His children. He is constantly at work in our hearts, changing stinky attitudes to attitudes that are giving and loving.

Thank you Lord for your reproof, yes, even at 4 am

Flip sides and mixed blessings

Over the past three months, I have been sort of keeping a list of the pros/cons, negatives/positives, bright sides/down sides, etc. of H's new position as a site manager.
When we began down this path, it excited both of us. We looked at it like the time when we were looking for a house, and how thrilling it was to finally find one with our name on it. This job had the shine of a new penny, full of great prospects and promise. Over prayer, and over seeking the Lord's wisdom, He confirmed the decision with great peace. And so began the journey, both emotional and physical. This new phase has required a great amount of patience, endurance, and trust that the Lord will bring us together after periods of being apart.

And the Lord has truly been faithful through this different time. Its a time that we didn't plan for really. We didn't really expect to be in places where we are now, but then again, do we ever find ourselves in places we expect? Life would be so extremely boring if we always knew what would happen next. Nothing is as perfect as it sounds either. But such is life here on earth where no person, job, career, or situation ever satisfies the way the Lord can.

And so, let me count the ways the Lord has been good to us, through the good and the hard times that have come with this new phase:

things that are hard (not necessarily 'bad') & things that are good

Getting up in the morning and not seeing my husband's
face resting on the pillow next to mine.


Waking up to see my husband's text message on my cell


Not being able to cook dinner every night.

Not having to cook EVERY night

Having to walk the dog all by myself

Hector's better behavior, and the quiet times I
have on those nightly walks

Sundays - missing our sabbath breakfast tradition, our leisurely mornings over the paper and coffee and going to church together

Going to church and being blessed by others, served by others and loved by others

Sleeping in a large bed by myself

Being able to spread out a little bit

Not having man messes to pick up

Not having man messes to pick up

Taking care of the bills, garbage and car maintenance

Developing a greater appreciation for the things
he takes care of when he is home

No Snuggling :(
No Kisses :( :( :(
No Hugs :( :( :( :(

How much I love him and miss him physically - and how
wonderful it is to see him again

When he is down and not being able to be with him

Learning that God is the only one who can truly comfort him

Learning how to be an encouragement across many miles

How God has given us strength to encourage each other
and how that surpasses the distance

Being apart from the man I love so much.

Cards, letters, emails, and long phone conversations
from the man I love so much


There are many other things that I have left off, but I am finding that the pros outnumber the cons. . . everytime I think of something hard or negative, the Lord gives me a reason to thank Him for that thing.

&

Thank you, all you who have prayed for us, thought of us, and loved us through this time. We feel it!

Praise be to God for the way He blesses us!

Weak Spot

Its been a week of trying to push through the days to get to the end of the month, the end of this chunk of separation . . . and, I've hit a that proverbial 'weak' spot.

Its the spot where I've been down on my knees, because the strength is sapped, the emotional fortitude is gone, and joy is just so hard to come by. I have no other place to run except my Father's arms.

I choose to be light Lord, because You are the Everlasting Sun - You whisk away the darkness with one quick sweep of Your hand.

I choose to be Joy Lord, because You are the satisfaction of life, the Filler of empty vessels.

I choose strength Lord, because You are the Power to get through the difficult days, the times when I don't understand Your will, Your plan.
I chose to be content in what You have brought us. Even if its hard. Even if I am kicking and screaming, and even if I don't like it all the time. Your will supersedes mine and I will trust it.

Lord, can you send me a rainbow?

As I sit here, waiting for a rainstorm to pass by, I pray for a rainbow. A day full of sorrow should only end in a rainbow.

A rainbow is the symbol of a promise, a covenant that God made with Noah and his family after they endured 40 days and nights, tucked safely inside an ark. Even though they were safe from the rain and devastation going on all around them, I am sure that they wanted to get out of that wooden box many times. Imagine how it probably reeked with all the animals and the lack of privacy and plumbing probably drove one to the brink of insanity. And yes, it was probably really crowded. I can imagine how one would want to come up for fresh air any chance they could get. I am sure there was some grumbling. At least from the bears.

I guess that is how I am feeling right now. Trapped in an ark, dying for some fresh air. I don't want to sound like I am completely miserable either. Those who were on the boat knew that there was a greater good going on. Something that they could not see. And I feel like I have no idea what is going on, and yet, I know that God is working something greater than what I can see.

But I want that same phenomenally simple trust in God that Noah and his family had. To trust God to build an ark while the world mocked you. To trust God while you hoarded 2 of each kind of animal, then shoved your own family aboard. To trust God to direct a huge boat to where He wanted it. To trust Him to lead you to a better place, a place where He knew you would grow the best.
To trust Him that everything going on has a purpose, and a plan. To trust my life to His control. To trust Him when I take on something that is completely out of my comfort zone, to trust Him when He calls me to be patient, joyful, and enduring. To trust Him that He'll move me from the ark to dry land when He so deems.

And to trust Him to bring a rainbow.

A little Night Music

Screechy cicadas and throaty frogs, swooping owl wings, and my dog's heavy, excited breathing.

Nothing like an evening walk on a hot indian summer night.

With a pearl white moon illumating the way, I prod a 'gotta-take-a-pit-stop-every-ten-steps' pup along a broken weedy sidewalk. I try to help him ignore the scuffle of dogs behind backyard fences and the blindingly bright headlights of cars passing by. Kinda to no avail - I guess its kind of exciting being a dog in this neighborhood.

As we were walking, I was trying to work through a period of silence, kind of similar to a hard swallow. . . trying to think of ways to be a more encouraging wife, trying to overcome over 1,000 miles of distance.

I wish that I could get to my husband like I can get across 15 blocks south and 2 blocks east 30 minutes later. I wish I had a way to forward time like I can skip commercials with DVR. I wish I had a more patient spirit that would even pour out onto my hurried dog-walking.

Even my little dog is teaching me a lesson. The art of slowing down and actually enjoying the moment. In his case, that means never losing wonder in chasing hopping frogs. . .

Maybe I am not connecting the dots when it comes to getting to my husband. But it does come back to being patient, for that is surely required these days.

God is ever benevolent in making the days go by faster, all that He is requiring is to face each with hope and joy. There are only 24 hours each day, and only 7 days in each week. A week more will bring us to 3 more days and then a three or four hour plane trip to visit him. Oh yeah, and a heck of a celebration of 2 years of marriage.

But as for tonight, I am going to enjoy every hour of this 6 hour rest.

Goodnight.

Balance, part 2

I thought I'd share something that came up today. It reminded me, once again, how God is so powerfully at work in His children's lives, to protect them from even themselves.

I spent a lovely afternoon with my mother this afternoon, seeing 'Becoming Jane' and enjoying some girl time.

On our conversation on the drive home, mom brought up a time of life when I was 15, very weak, and very naive. I had a major crush on a guy who shared the same passion I had for horses and he had the whole 'bad boy' appeal.
But God really bubble-wrapped my heart and protected me from myself. Mom was telling me today how thankful she was that I didn't run off with him. I gave a hearty amen to that. Even though that probably would have never happened, it made me think. I don't know where I'd be if I did.

If I chose 'my' best over God's best for me, I probably wouldn't have gone to college. If I didn't go to college, I wouldn't have met my wonderful husband. And if I didn't meet my wonderful husband, I'd be in pretty bad shape right now. It sort of all has a domino effect.

Who knows where I'd be if I went with 'My' way.

I wouldn't give up this life, as confusing as it is sometimes, for ANYTHING.
God truly know what is best for us. Don't settle.

His blessings are far beyond what we could ask or think!

Balance

The teetering pole.

Often it seems like a teeter totter, that very fine line of staying on the straight and narrow and wandering off road.

Were it not for God's grace holding me upright, I'd be over the edge, off-roading myself into ditches.

Were it not.

Thanks be to God for balance. For placing temptations in our way to strengthen our resolve against sin. For giving us the power to deny them, the cleansing grace to wash away the stain they leave on the exit. For His faithfulness to the unfaithful.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

My sky is grey, I miss you, Blue Eyes

Okay. . .

Only 8 more days to go . . .

I miss my hubby :(

This is the day, this is the day, that the Lord has made

Today is the day of rest for the week. Today I am delivered from this chaotic position of 'doggy-sitter'.

For the past two days, I have had my parents two boston terriers. The little one has 'terrorized' my household with misplaced poops, chewings here and there on rugs and flip flops, and has tried to take on Hector several times. I am tired. They should be tired too - where is all this energy come from? Will they finally burn out from ripping around the house, up and down stairs?

How about trying to settle three dogs of different natures for the evening? Ummm. . . lets just say that I have not slept very well these nights. Is this what life is like with kids? (Believe me, I still would rather have kids!)


So anyway, that was my weekend, dogsitting and trying to finish a couple of things before my hubby comes home. WOHOO - TUESDAY!!!!


I have a ton of pictures I need to upload from last weekend's family trip to Six Flags, and some other things. :)

Happy Sunday to everyone!

Of these little breakdowns

Thank you Lord for these tears, for tears help me to appreciate smiles all the more.

Thank you Lord for surprising me, for challenging me, for stretching me in ways I never thought I could be stretched. It may hurt for a while, but it is for a purpose good and wondrous.

Thank you for teaching me to wait on You. Life has such ups and downs, uncertainties and hiccups. Thank you for being Constant.

. . . and yes, even for these little breakdowns

Watch out, I'm a Criminal

I admit it. I get carried away sometimes. And sometimes, I carry things with me.

It was just another ordinary trip to Walmart, to pick up a few essentials. I was having a nice phone conversation with my hubby in the middle of a crowded store. I gradually pushed my way to the checkouts and proceeded to scan my items at one of the self-serve stations.
One hand scanning, the other, cradling my very small phone trying to eek good reception at the same time. I finished scanning, everything was bagged, and I swooped up my items and headed out, chatting all the way home . . .er, all the way to the door. A tall Walmart gentleman starting to come after me and said, "Ma'am, may I see your receipt?" "receipt?", I asked, looking at him stupidly, "why do you need to see my receipt?"

Then it dawned on me. Horror of horrors, I didn't pay.

I sheepishly turned around to see a line of agitated people standing behind the station that had just been occupied, not to mention a couple of Walmart employees with hands on their hips.

"Babe, gotta call you back."

"I am so sorry about this. I guess I was just a little distracted."

You know the feeling.

Your face is flushed, you feel the critical eyes of a million people staring you down. And all you can do is fumble. You can't find your wallet. When you finally find it, buried in your purse, you can't find your card. You have no cash, writing a check would take even more time. You find a pet perks card, a cvs pharmacy card, and your other debit card. YOU NEED YOUR WAMU CARD. Maybe in this pocket insert? Finally. The tiny pot of gold. Quick swipe and your out of here - yeah right. It takes two tries because you mess up your pincode. You have never felt so happy to see a receipt print.

Hallelujah, you are free and you are not considered a criminal anymore. You just sort of slouch out the doors after being excorted by an attendant.

Have a nice day Ma'am.

Cuz there's a little bit of something me, in everything in you

I didn't expect the rainstorm today, I didn't expect to be sad this evening. You might laugh if you saw us now . . . my pup and I are mopey tonight - Big Daddy ain't here :( Hector won't eat his dinner - I dunno if he is just being picky or if he is depressed. . .

This evening, I got some groceries, Hector got a long walk, and now its time to wind down. Its hard to wind down when you are so wound up . . .

Sigh.

I am looking at a crystal candy jar that holds 100 precious strips of paper that Haven wrote for me, when we were 100 days away from getting married. I keep it in a place where I can easily grab one at random and remember how much he loves me.

And, as if just to remind me again, another card came in the mail today, postmarked from Kansas, from my own Alert roofing man. Oh, how I love that guy.

So, I end in the land of random. Such is life these days.

Trips and Time

Hi there.

Well, I am packing for a trip to beautiful Chicago (a favorite city of mine - anybody wanna squeeze in my suitcase? ;) to have a visit with my best friend and meet her wonderful fiance.

I kissed my hubby goodbye this morning and won't see him till August. . . What? Oh, let me update you on us. We are not having any problems ;) Haven took a new position with the company which is basically training him to be a project manager. He will leave on Sunday with a crew to go manage a project in Kansas. I am so proud of him, and so excited, but I know that I will miss him terribly. Time apart always makes me appreciate him all the more. But this is something we both decided would be a great move for us, for his career, and for our future. Praise God for His faithfulness!

Anyway, there's a quick update. I will post lots of pics from my trip when I get back :)

Learning to let go

I am a failure when it comes to daily remembering God’s faithfulness.

I am inclined to myself.

The first thing to come to my mind is most always me-centered. Sometimes, I catch myself cultivating this mentality, and quickly address it. Other times, (more often), I ponder those thoughts, those ‘oh, that would be nice’ sort of situations that I arrange myself in. I am speaking in terms of my will here.

It shouldn’t be a shock to say that I often think my will is best. After all, I am inclined to self. Inclined to sin even more so.

Is there anything wrong with wishing? With desiring something? I am not going to try to answer that with a yes or no, for it is good to desire, and I am a firm believer in wishing. (*lots of my wishes have come true). The thing is, wishing is like dust ‘un-fairied’ until the magic of God’s blessing touches it (and I assure you, I am not talking ‘hocus pocus’ here).

Are the desires good? For instance, a desire of mine is to have children. Now that isn’t bad at all – that is a good desire. But the real question is do I desire the will of God above all else?

I don’t – its shameful. I want to, and yet I don’t seek this in my daily life.

I love my wishing, I love my will, my dreams, my way. And yet, how many times the Lord brings me down a different path, so different than the one I had thought, and often, so different from the one I had wanted. And sometimes I am taken kicking and screaming from what I wanted.

What a foolish child I can be.

He pulls me aside, and gently whispers, ‘Amy, Amy, this is not about you. The webs you weave are tangled. Good and golden desires tarnished by sin, by selfishness’. My plans for you are to prosper you, and bring you peace’.

But Lord, what are these plans, why can’t I see them? Can’t you see what the plans I have here, these ones, the ones that I want?

God is not blind. He does not need me to highlight and red-letter what I want. The fact of the matter is this, Do I trust Him? Do I trust in His faithfulness to bring about what His will is? His will is the best thing. His divine, mysterious will that can frustrate the plans of man to the point of their own exhaustion. And it is for their own good.

Sometimes, I have found myself so frustrated that things are not going a certain way that I start crying. Boohooing because I am not satisfied with the way that everything is playing out.

Its pathetic.

God puts up with such foolishness, how does He do it? He is so patient with our stubbornness, with our foolishness.

Why?

Because He is faithful.

He will not abandon His children, though they wander into barren lands and begin to starve, He rains down manna to feed them.

He provides, He is Jehovah Jireh. He is the Mountain Mover, the Calmer of the Seas, the Creator, the Omnipotent God.

Thank You Lord

'Teach me Lord, to have faith that what Your bringing me will, change my life and bring You glory.'

-“Calmer of the Storm” – Down Here